I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
