Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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