I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
