Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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