coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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