If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Randomize
