im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
