Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
