I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
