Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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