now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
