I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
