Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
