She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
