I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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