Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
