I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
