then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
