i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
