he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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