Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
