I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
