When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
