im six kinds of drunk right now
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Blood and glitter go together right?
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
