I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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