My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
