I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
