Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
