you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
