oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
