Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
