Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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