There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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