party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
