I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
