The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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