To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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