I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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