First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Randomize
