Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
