I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You can't motorboat a personality
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Randomize
