3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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