you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
