3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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