I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Randomize
