I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
