I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
