You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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