You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Banned from zoo.
Again?
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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