I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
