took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
