Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
