Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
