Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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