How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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