Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
