we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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